Looking for the old me... [PART 1]

The last 2 years have crippled me. The fact that I am writing my blog at 5:39 am and am not out running or walking ... sums it all up! And the reason I am writing this is so that I can read it frequently and keep reminding myself how strong a person I have been, and how shattered I am now.

Life has dealt me some weird cards. And so far, I have played along. Losing a parent at 16 isn't funny. Neither is the decision to sit for your XIIth boards a month later. But I went through both. When my father breathed his last on Feb 3, 1997 ... everyone in my family wanted me to take a drop that year ... somehow they were sure I will flunk. Everyone except mom. She never said anything about "if I should or I shouldn't". It was an unspoken conversation we had, where in I knew she didn't want me to take a drop...for a simple reason that my father wouldn't have dreamed of it.

To this day, mom and I strongly believe that my father somehow staged his inevitable death at that time, coz if it happened even a few days later ---- I really would have had to drop a year.

My father had breathed his last in Calcutta, where he was being treated for the cancer in the esophagus. There was a tumour in his esophagus which the doctors had realised, couldn't be operated, after they had cut him open in the OT. Reason was that the tumour lay between two very important arteries leading to the heart and an operation would mean that they get snapped too.

After he passed away on the 3rd, the Hindu rituals took some days and we reached back Nagpur on Feb 17th. Boards started March 3. I had no clue ab out what was in my syllabus since I hadn't attended college since Dec and my memory of the days before was bleak.

I believe it was my dad. In some way, he never left us till my exams were over. When I think back, those days are a blur. I don't remember studying or eating or sleeping. I don;t remember anything I did on those days, but mom said I studied ... and studied. 

The reason I know I was strong back then, is coz not once did I doubt I will do well. Not once did I sit back and cry over my fate. And sadly, not once did i acknowledge that fact that I don't have my father with me anymore. [He was with me, just not physically]

My result? 64% with distinction. My subjects were Economics and English Literature. 

I want this fighter back!